Peacefull 2009!

Is yer Dad home?

A Queensland farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door.

'Is your Dad home'? the farmer asked.

'Sorry mate, he isn't' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'

'Well,' said the farmer, 'Is your mum here'?

'No, sir, she's not here either.? She went into town with Dad.'

'How about your brother, Greg?? Is he here'?

'He went with Mum and Dad.'

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

'Is there anything I can do for ya'? the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.'

'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant.'

The boy considered for a moment.

'You'd have to talk to Dad about that,' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull? and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg.'

This is worrying
Beer contains female hormones
Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a
recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women .
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour
period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

Subject: When insults had class
Some are well known and most are great .

These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was
still valued, before a great portion of the English language got
boiled down to 4-letter words!

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my
husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife,
I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir,"
said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr


"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston
Churchill


"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." - Clarence Darrow


"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).


"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big
words?"
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it."
Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I
know."
Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it."
Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you> here."
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright


"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating


"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
B R Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
Thomas Brackett Reed

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx

A Preacher said:

If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river".

And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river".

And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river".

Again the congregation cried, "Amen!"

The preacher sat down.

The deacon then stood up & said:

"For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing: “We shall drink from that river".

The Congregation Screamed HALLELUYA!!!!!

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same
stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know
the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING
SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7 (Mother recently divorced! wonder why?)

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

( 1 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T
GET MARRIED?

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10

A man boarded an aircraft in New York and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in France."

He swallowed hard. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he smiled, "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Indian descent. We have found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Afrikaners."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name."

"Running Bear," the man said...."Running Bear Moodley, but my friends call me Frik."

A couple drove down a country road for several kilometres, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

LOVE POEM - KAAPSE STYLE !!!

Valentine, oh Valentine,
I smaak you stukkend, say you'll be mine.
You're my morning, my sunshine, my moon and my stars,
You're my airfreshener from O.K. Bazaars;
You're my beaded love-letter, my breeze in the night,
You're my coffee, my Cremora, my Blitz firelight.

You're my Crime-Stop, my Tracker, you're my AZT,
My pap, Mrs Ball's chutney, my Nando's for free;
You're my lambchop, my dewdrop, my partner in crime,
My chillie, my pepper, my vetkoek sublime.

The list is endless and this isn't all,
You're my Lotto jackpot, my dop and my zol.
You're my 4X4 when the road is so hilly,
You're my Floro margarine that butters my mielie.
I smaak you, my poppie, so please be my wife,
'cause, Baby, you're the Tomato Sauce on the
slap chips of life!